Becoming truly dead inside is something of an art form, at least it feels that way. Over the past three years I’ve invested time in myself and friendships – those are the things that have staying power. Methods I use to keep others at a distance include:
- Avoid learning/asking personal details
- Use different names/personalities (I recommend trying this, even if only once!)
- Share opinions not feelings
- If there’s a hookup – take the walk of shame as soon as it’s over
All of my tricks have been great for keeping me safely preserved in a bubble. When my priorities and time are mainly focused on work, all of these things lean in my favor to ensure the focus is purely on the next step in a career path and not diverted into relationship quicksand.
So, what the heck is going on?! As Ray Ray so eloquently put it, “You’re not supposed to spend the night.” That was after the first night I spent with Late Night – spent the entire night. Which means this is automatically disqualified from being called a walk of shame. Which is a tad disappointing because they’re so few and far between that it’s fun to have one every once in a blue moon.
Here is where my problem comes into play. I like Late Night, but not in the normal gay crush way. The normal way is to have a psychotic obsession and try to squeeze every moment of time out of the person until one of you finally jumps ship from fatigue or disgust. No, I like Late Night in the sense that we have a good time, it’s easy to hangout, there’s no stress or pressure – it’s fun. This confuses me on one hand because I’ve never known or heard of things going this route. But what has really thrown my mind for a loop is that all of my above mentioned tricks, some of which have been unintentionally employed are working against me. Example: Details like last name and birth date, which I’m pretty positive were shared are gone from my memory. I have a junk memory as it is, but now it’s like I’ve done such a good job at taking zero interest in other people that my mind is refusing to participate in absorbing any of the details.
I do want to keep seeing Late Night, curious as to where things will lead. Because my mind has kept so calm and not reacted in the normal way it makes me nervous. Either I’ve actually changed into someone new or there’s a big bag of crazy lurking around the corner.