Drunk Whore

I’m Cynical and Hate Myself

R.B. Winters
R.B. Winters
All, Break up, Bull Shit, Dating 2 Comments

I’m beginning to believe the expression “Oh, Boy” is not meant not so much as one of confusion, excitement or frustration, but truly one of: What the fuck is going on with these things that have a penis attached?

You see, last night I was going to see PT guy after happy hour with my lady straight. We were celebrating the end of a particularly long and grueling week. All PT guy knew of my evening plan was my intention to see a friend. I said we would be wrapped up by nine at the latest, seven at the earliest. When I text him around eight to see what he was doing it seemed fair to let him know I was several drinks in and feeling no pain. Why let him know this? He doesn’t really drink, meaning it’s not always fun to be around a person who is drunk. Meaning you can easily opt out of seeing me if you prefer to enjoy your evening without someone being loud and giggly.

The short of it: PT guy told me I was choosing drinks over him and he’d prefer to not continue seeing me. Following this up with how nice and smart he thinks I am. These are lovely thoughts, but endings like this don’t work. If you don’t want to see me any longer I’d prefer you tell me how much you hate me so instead of being disappointed over what could have been I can focus on how much of an asshole you are. Is this the healthy way to respond? I’m sure PT’s therapist would say no. I respectfully disagree.

I was surprised by his reaction. He informed me of his intention to make me feel good about myself, and the failed attempt as I clearly hate myself and am overly cynical, etc. This is what I like to refer to as ‘therapist syndrome.’ When someone is unable to process how they feel, instead paying another person to tell them how they feel, it eventually grows into telling the person how to think. In the end people suffering from said syndrome then spew this back onto others as they are “enlightened.”

The summation of this: I’m cynical and hate myself. One is true, the other is a bit off as I suffer from the same disorder as Gwyneth Paltrow; High self-esteem, a disorder for which there is no know cure. What is the result? I tend to run my mouth, letting 95% of all thoughts fall out and into the world, most of which are comical, cynical and sometimes even down right mean. There’s no real need for political correct speech as it does no one any good, other than to prevent hurt feelings for which we are each individually responsible so it doesn’t matter anyway.

I’m getting off track, I did try to clarify my stance to his remark by informing of the joy I take in cynicism and that my commentary on people is mainly because I find them to be stupid and useless. Of course, this was turned around on me and it’s actually me that feels stupid and useless. What? Is this really the stuff your therapist is teaching you? I did waste my time disputing the comments, mainly because I don’t need to be diagnosed by someone who clearly has little interest in hearing.

Could all of this been avoided? I believe yes. A week or so back when we met post Larrymore getting his tattoo, or attempting to get his tattoo, PT brought my protein shaker. I’d accidentally left it at his place a few nights prior. This was odd to me as I thought I was spending the night. We ate dinner with little conversation and it felt this was the moment he would cut me loose. Then the night took a twist and he invited me to a movie. BTW, Paper Towns is a great movie, go see it immediately. Then at the end of the evening he asked if I was going to stay over. Thinking this was an invite of politeness and nothing more I said I needed to get up early. Going home I pondered what the night was on the bus. Why bring me the shaker and then invite me over? It’s a contradiction which still makes no sense.

PT then ran off to Fire Island, a place which I find repulsive, but to each their own. He continued to text the week he was away, probably out of boredom or politeness, who can ever really tell the difference. Had I taken the hint with the cup and stopped engaging I believe none of this would have happened and things would have faded into blissful nothingness. Now however we can put another notch in the belt and toss this one on the heap of waste of time guys.

But at least these are the kind things he has informed me of about myself. I’ll be sure to learn a lesson by repeating them as often as possible. I’m a:

Whore
Drunk
Cynic
Self-hater

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