Christmas came and went and though it has taken me a minute to catch up – here’s what happened. As usual I went off to Utah for my regular family and friend visit. This year was slightly different as I have grown tired of putting in the effort to see everyone that I’ve ever known. Instead, the select few that I still communicate with regularly were invited to a brief party on my final night in town. To spice things up I booked a hotel, invited my mom and her boyfriend and we all set off for a good time.
Things were going well right up to beer number five, or possibly six, it’s a bit of a haze. My wife, Rachael, had to be up early to go to work and I insisted that she stay until the night was over because we see each other for three hours a year. To me this is the special circumstance that makes it acceptable to go into work a little tired. Three hours before the night had begun my mother and I had conversed about Rachael and her making better decisions and growing up. When I insisted Rachael stay, my mother, was vocal about me letting her leave. this I was not having. This has never happened, but we ended up screaming obscenities at one another in the middle of the bar.
Drunk and pissed I ditched the party and walked back to the hotel. Walking a mile without a coat is rather unpleasant in Utah at the end of December. Angry and not interested in continuing the fight I had the hotel put me in a new room. Cleverly I made sure it was possible to see the elevators and watched for my mother’s return. To my surprise her boyfriend was ending the battle and at 1:00 a.m. drove them three hours back to their house.
Trapped alone in Salt Lake I did the only thing possible – Grindr. This cute little kid from California came over to fool around – let’s say bad decision. He had the worst body odor in the world! It must be something about being from that area of the world, tanning like you’re from Jersey and forgetting to take a shower. I swear, never again will I allow anyone from California near me with their penis.
After all of this there will be no more visits to Utah for the holidays. All holidays will be conducted from Starbucks in NYC as the lord intended.