Death is an unpleasant, uninvited, unexpected and at times even unimaginable guest that makes an appearance in all lives. Feeling as freshly painful today as it did yesterday, the day before, the day before that and the week before. But rather than continue to wallow in a mental prison of repetitive torture, it seems time to take the advice I would give any other person: Let go and start moving on.
In order to move on, even if I may never be able to let go, it’s best to say all the things I’m thinking. Once they’re out in the world they become real outside of my head and perhaps less taunting. There is no rhyme or reason to this list, but here we go:
- In an effort to take care of all loose ends and provide closure to the people around me, I fear that my grief window may have been missed. Now I feel clogged having not taken the time to expressively feel these things. Now sad songs, touching movie moments, anything can cause a lump in the back of my throat. Every bit of willpower is required to return feelings to the pit of my stomach where they belong.
- Three weeks of barely any work and neglected school lessons; This is bad to say the least. So, with all the energy and fake enthusiasm I can muster I am dragging myself through lessons and the work day, though even getting out of bed has been a forced decision. To add some motivation, I’ve returned to my French studies. A project is useful right now if only for distraction.
- To provide something to look forward to I’ve decided on a trip to Paris for my birthday in September. Here’s where the French comes in handy.
- A positive area, my friends have not allowed me to withdraw into a hole of depression, forcing me to remain engaged.
- And as a final goal, I’ll get this new book out on schedule. My mom is in this one and I did my best to make it as dirty as she would have liked, but equally comical. My only regret is that I didn’t have the chance to put it in her hands.
- As far as the fears, I’m worried I no longer have the drive/interest to complete life goals…no one is paying attention any longer. There’s no one to please, make proud or provide encouragement.
- But worst of all, the daily reminder. Each time something funny or annoying happens, I want to call my mom and complain or laugh about it. When the phone rings in the day I reach for it, anticipating her call that’s not coming. I would like to tuck this little piece of metal and glass away where I don’t have to look at its face. Unfortunately, this one device connects to all parts of my life, even controlling a few. The phone is one thing I can’t get away from and it’s the most active supporter when it comes to feeling wretched.
It’s too bad we can’t predict the future or change the past. All we can do is live in the now, as annoying and life-affirming as that sounds. But as my mom would have said, “It’s time to pick yourself up by the boot straps, dust yourself off and put on your big girl panties.” So here goes.