I’ve spent today making decisions I don’t understand and slightly regret. In order to explain I have to rewind to last night:
Usually I come home from Baltimore on Saturday night, but this week I was persuaded by my friend Carly to stay. We hit up the local sex store for some personal items and then out to a Latin Club for drinks and dancing. The only drawback to the club was everyone else knew how to salsa dance. I only know how to dance like a cracker. I can go out there; jiggle and bounce around, but there’s really no rhyme or rhythm to it.
Then it happened. That annoying urge that arises when you’re drunk and haven’t been sexed-up in a while. The last time I fooled around with anyone was right after B. Brown left in May. Do the math; it’s been a while. Jello is my Baltimore “boyfriend”. We’ve had a few encounters over the past year; I actually met him right around the time The Devil and I ended. The funny thing is that Jello knows The Devil and had some very interesting insights. However, that is not the point of this post.
I woke up early this morning, needing to catch a bus back to New York. Jello has the best intentions, but he just doesn’t know me well enough yet. Right after waking up he wanted to play and cuddle with me. No. I don’t cuddle, especially when I’ve just gotten out of bed. I like to not be touched and I hate being talked to before I’ve had two hours and a big cup of coffee. The thing that I thought was funny as I rode away on the bus: I can’t stand relationship behaviors. It’s amusing because I’ve been thinking that it’s time to start dating again… wrong!
Now, once I got back to the city I had to work at the store. While I was there this guy wrote his number down and gave it to me. He was cute and nice from what little interaction we had. He placed the number on the counter and left. I looked at it, crumpled it up, and tossed it in the trash. Why? No clue. I can’t say that I wasn’t somewhat interested in him. I suppose I can say this is me being me. I do the things I don’t want to do because I have this construct in my head that I want to follow. I feel as though there are two of me: There’s the me that walks and talks (trying not to fall down), and the me that controls the decision making. We’re not getting along at the moment.
Let me give you another example that arose today. This guy I met a while back found me on Facebook and we’ve chatted a time or two. Today he asked me to hang out three times and I said no. This one is the kicker because I wanted to say yes. I’m absolutely interested in this guy but I still told him no. Being the question master, I am asking myself why I do it? I know I do it. I know I don’t really enjoy doing it. I know it doesn’t get me anywhere. So, why?
I am shooting in the dark here, especially since the eye doctor messed up my prescription, but I think it’s because after all of the bad experiences I’ve had and watching other people, I don’t want to deal with dating. My Roomie tells me about her relationship issues and I think how happy I am that I don’t have to deal with any of it.
I’m sure Abbot will have some fantastic analysis to explain my behavior, but all I can say to him is that I’m better off with BOB (battery operated boyfriend), than I am with a human.