Go Feel Yourself

R.B. Winters
R.B. Winters
All, Dating, Mr. Baltimore Leave a Comment

Feelings. Ugh. They are one of those things some people are full of, some people are really good at managing, others are great at expressing. Then there’s me. I kind of hate feelings. As in, can’t stand them.

This came up recently when Mr. Baltimore said a simple statement, “I miss you.” This isn’t a life altering something, but it’s enough to make the wheels in my head turn in rapid succession. A normal person would likely repeat the sentiment and be on their way with a gleeful feeling. Not me, of course. No, I pause, consider what has just been said and then reply with, “Okay.”

It seems like no big deal, but even this simple comment triggers the flight response in my brain. It’s not an ‘I love you’ or something of great substance, but it does mean you’re letting someone peer behind the wall when said. It’s a gateway emotion, the marijuana of sentiments. Going a little further, this is the type of thing people can’t wait to hear. People start dating, and then they want all those things on the list: miss you, love you, marry you, hate you. Okay, they probably don’t want the last one, but it seems to creep in more often than expected.

Actually, hate and anger are the only emotions/feelings I’ve conquered. There is no issue telling a person I dislike them, why I dislike or what I perceive to be the issue. Anger doesn’t make you vulnerable, it makes you bitter and leathery inside. In New York, it came in especially handy in the winter, it’s like free internal fuel to keep you warm. Memories.

Mr. Baltimore is getting a pretty good sense of my limited emotional depth. We shall see how long he tolerates it before I have to do the other thing I’m not fond of…change. Then again, I suppose I could continue to bottle up any emotions that come and live out my many remaining years with a farm of cats and pugs. That doesn’t sound so terrible.