There are people in this world that were meant to be loved. I am not one those people. I envy and hate those people. I am a wanted person, not a lovable person.
What’s the difference? People that are loved find long-term relationships with one special someone and get the happy ending. The rest of us get screwed. I mean literally screwed. That’s what we’re wanted for. We’re the in between people that these guys are spending their time in until they find the person they really want. Wanted people are generally really popular when they’re young, extra pretty in their 20’s, often untouchable in their 30’s, and then invisible in their 40’s.
I still, and my roomie can vouch, believe my first boyfriend is the only guy that’s ever loved me. Now that the relationship is so far underground that it may as well be in China, I’m at a crossroads. Will I be single forever? Over dramatic, or possible reality? I was asked if I believed I would be single forever by a friend in PA a night ago. I answered yes. I am pre-disposed to think and feel this way, and I have a list of guys that have confirmed that it’s probably going to be a reality. I don’t find this to be disturbing, which you probably find disturbing.
I have always been able to get guys to want me. I mean, it’s not that hard, gay or straight, guys are guys. The problem is: I can’t get any of them to want more than my bedroom face. My theory is that you can either be loved or wanted. I’m fine with not being in the loved category and I definitely enjoy being wanted, but I don’t want to be seen as a whore. One of the guys I work with thought it was amazing that I hadn’t been having sex non-stop since the last douche I dated. Not that I’m a total lesbian, I just don’t feel the urge to put everything that walks by in my mouth or down my pants. Too bad I can’t apply that rule to Starbucks, as far as in my mouth.
Is there a happy medium that I’m overlooking? I’m constantly seen as a whore or hooker because I speak my mind and never censor myself. As far as the actual number of partners I’ve had, I know I’m way lower on the totem pole than a few of the guys I’ve dated. If you’re pretty, you must be a slut. If you’re ugly, you are tragic. If you’re average, you’ll be married. If you’re not in one of these categories, call me I need to know you’re secret!
Being serious again, I wonder what’s the point of dating if it’s a fact that I’ll end up alone? I don’t know if it’s worth investing time into another person when I know they’ll leave me when they find the person they’ve been looking for. Is there a slight chance that it is possible to move from wanted to lovable? If this transition is possible, does it mean that I have to change?