We spend our lives trying to figure out who we are…or who we think we are and who people perceive us. For a long time I’ve thought I figured this piece of life out, so much so that the voices in my head were identified as additional personalities to keep life entertaining and to provide an easy excuse to turn people into characters and plot lines. Though I’m not clinically crazy, but look forward to the day, I actually feel like there are two people vying for control.
Let me explain. Once I made the decision to swallow my emotions relating to my mom’s death, mainly because I despise their presence, it meant using a great deal of energy focused solely on distracting the mind. Avoiding places with memories, hiding belongings that relate to funny stories, taking new routes to avoid familiar locations. All in an effort to move forward and behave normally. But tucking these things away leaves a gap, now being filled by something of an alter ego: different exteriors appearance (clothing, hair), different tastes (no desire for beer, craving for the scent of cigarettes), lack of interest (bars suddenly seem less fun, jokes aren’t as funny even when I make them).
To look in the mirror everything appears the same, but now it’s like looking at yourself from another person’s point of view. Not necessarily a bad thing, perhaps this is forced character development and growth. But it still feels unusual and awkward.
I’m sure this is all mental gymnastics as it is my character trait to do such and maybe in six months or six years I’ll look back and see a life lesson. Unfortunately, we live in the now and this is what’s happening now. No matter what lesson there is to be learned, how much better would it be to skip over it, get the compressed television version and move on.