I’m not sure where to begin. I’m somewhere between numb and tears, which I hate. It’s hard to tell if it’s my inexperience, or my poor choices that have put me in the situation that I now find myself.
After two weeks of not seeing The Devil, having sworn to stay away from him like some sort of deadly virus, I was pulled back in by a scary movie. It was 3:00 a.m. and he was home watching Freddie Krueger, my all time favorite of favorites. I knew that if I went over there would be sex, that’s a given, but I went knowing that this was probably just a play on The Devil’s part to exercise his power over me. The next three nights flowed in a similar fashion, one of which I confessed having gone on two dates the week before. The Devil admitted he was jealous, though I didn’t say it, I was happy to hear that he was feeling something. I told him that I didn’t consider us back together and that I didn’t want to be, a lie on my part.
We never officially got back together. We did however spend the next two weeks together and things were better than they had ever been, The Devil even gave me keys to his apartment. With Christmas fast approaching I invited The Devil to fly home with me for a week, which he agreed to do. This is where I want to stop. I want to end it right here because then things could have been perfect. Sadly, I can no longer live within the diluted fantasy that I have allowed to build up around me.
A snowy night of fun turned out to be a frigid night of break ups and letdowns. The Devil was djing and I had plans to go out with my friends, I pre-gamed with pizza and beer at his apartment because it was freezing out and I didn’t want to walk the ten extra blocks to my place when I would be going back to the train. The Devil started texting to tell me his friend was trying to get a hold of me, this surprised me considering I hadn’t received a single phone call. I was talked into hanging out at the bar The Devil was working, blowing my friends off once again. Several hours passed and The Devil’s friend was heading to the next bar. I wanted to go but I chose to wait for The Devil to be off work so we could go together.
I started pestering The Devil and his “date” as we left the bar because he was going in the wrong direction. His other friend was texting me to see why we weren’t there and why The Devil wasn’t answering his phone. I pestered him to answer the phone when he snapped. The Devil turned and yelled at me like he had never done before. He told me he hated how I acted when I drank, etc. I was so embarrassed and shocked that he had screamed at me that I just stopped talking the rest of the night. The three of us went to a diner, where I felt like I was going to be sick. The Devil once again laid into me when I refused food and only wanted water. Drunk or not, I’m smart enough to know I need water when I’m feeling that way.
We rode the train home in separate cars, both of us angry and unwilling to take a step to resolve things. As I watched The Devil hurry home ahead of me it seemed smart to go home so we could both cool off. I was a block away when he sent a text telling me to come get my stuff. I had left a bag of cloths, my laptop and a few bathroom items at his house, after all I had been there every night for two weeks.
I was so angry that I couldn’t even look at him as I gathered my things. I left the keys he had given me on the nightstand and made the cold walk home. Long story short, The Devil says my immaturity and drinking are the reason we can’t be together. The following day I sent him a text asking if he wanted to talk about it, or if he really wanted to end it. When he replied that he would think about talking to me after I came back from my trip I realized what had happened.
This was all an elaborate plan to get him out of going home with me for Christmas. The Devil pulled the same crap he always does because he can never be inconvenienced to do something that wasn’t what he wanted to do. He had blown me off for a Christmas party a day before, he couldn’t go to diner with me a day before that, etc. If it isn’t all about The Devil, then it isn’t going to happen. Now I feel like a fool. I was so stupid to invest any of myself in him. I knew better. I knew he would do something like this. Somehow I allowed myself to get pulled back in. Though he’s bad mouthing me and saying whatever he needs to justify the break-up, I know this: I may be immature in his eyes, but I’m smart enough to learn from my mistakes.