At last glance it seemed that The Devil and I were finished, but it may have just been half time. After my meltdown a few nights went by before I was again invited over. With this sleepover there was the precursor that we would not be having sex, probably not a bad idea. That didn’t stop me from questioning the intentions of The Devil. I mean, he invited me over with the “I miss you” and then he pushed me back with “it’s just a sleepover”. It feels unnerving to lie in the arms of the person that says they don’t want to be with you.
We spent three nights in the same bed with not so much as a kiss. For me this was just adding to the confusion. I was able to get a small break when he had to leave town for work, which happens often. Two nights before he was supposed to return I received a midnight message. He started back in on the: I miss you. It was what I wanted to hear, at the same time I wanted to put my hands around his throat. I was surprised when he asked if I had slept with anyone since the last time we had been together. In all honesty I hadn’t, my frustration and psycho spells with him had kept me so busy I hadn’t had the time to find anyone to play with. He assured me that he hadn’t been with anyone either, not that I had asked. (Note: I later found this out to be a lie.) Then he asked the question that will forever make me question if this is all just a game for him.
“Do you really care about me?”
Really? I mean, really? After everything that’s already happened and what I’ve let him put me through he needs to actually ask me if I care about him? I told him that I loved him and he told me he loved me too and that I should know that. My first reaction was surprise. How would I know that? Should I know The Devil loves me because he spends more time trying to hook up with barflies than he does with me? Maybe I should know by the way that I always have to seek him out. When I told him that I didn’t know, he was shocked to say the least. That was when I decided it was time to just lay the cards on the table and let him inside my head for a minute.
I told him that I felt like I was just a placeholder for the ex he was obviously not over. The Devil sent back a little frown face; did I mention this was all through text messaging? Talk about being disconnected. He assured me that he would get over the ex and that he had the love feelings even though he doesn’t say it often. Again, this is all exactly what I wanted to hear.
When he finally arrived home we rented a movie and spent the night in. Typical. Until he mentioned that he wanted me to go do laundry with him the next day (he’s never done his own) I hadn’t realized that we had never actually spent any time together outside his bedroom, unless you count that one time at a bar. The next day I took the bait to do laundry together; I thought it was an excellent opportunity to get some answers. Then there was the answer I needed to hear but didn’t really want to know.
“I’ll never get over the ex.”
There’s always the possibility of an ex haunting a relationship, but no one wants to acknowledge it. For now, I’m back in limbo. I have a feeling that the ex will come back into the picture or some cute guy will come along and The Devil will easily sway, there’s too much evidence supporting this idea.