Laying Down the Law

R.B. Winters
R.B. Winters
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Now that the storm has passed and we’re all trapped in our apartments, there’s not much that can be done for entertainment. So, it seemed worth while to go on a date. Lawyer is still staying with his ex girlfriend down the street and has many questions to answer for me.

Let’s skip over the crowds, difficulty in locating a bar and right to the dirt. Lawyer is a Jew. I swear to Jesus that I have become a Jew magnet. He doesn’t have the regular look of a Jew – the nose, hair, or even an “oy” here and there. That was the first surprise. Then as we began talking and he mentioned he easily gets anxious, etc. I saw the red Jew flag go up, up, up. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a Jew, they just have a tendency to piss me off faster than the Christians and Muslims.

We chatted and I picked at the ex scab. It was imperative that I know how it worked with her having lady bits and him liking who-dilly. Here’s what I uncovered: After eleven years of dating neither of them had a clue he was gay until the last year of the relationship when he started noticing guys. If this is true then there’s a case to be made for the idea that someone can be turned gay. Maybe she gave terrible head and sent him running for the nearest penis…just sayin’. He came out to his mother and sister first, they were understanding – boring. When he came out to his girlfriend she was upset and concerned that he had hidden it to not hurt her. Either she’s the most understanding person on Earth, or that story has been altered to suit the needs of an audience. What I believe happened is this: Girlfriend had a meltdown, probably threatened to kill herself or something exciting like that and then he said they would remain friends. In her mind they’re likely still together and she’s waiting for this phase to pass. In his mind, he’s doing something nice to not damage the girl more, but in reality they’re both going to get crushed.

As un-exciting as this was, I let Lawyer come home with me. Alright, he’s a new gay so he’s a little extra cuddly. I’m not a great cuddler, so it was like my going “meh” and pushing him away as he nudged closer. The fooling around was a bit unusual. I assumed he would be a bottom because he was “straight.” As of now I’m still not sure if he’s a top or bottom because he kept putting one leg over me as if trying to climb on, but hanging off of the side of me in a way that forced me to hold on or let him fall off the bed – it’s not a friggin’ carnival ride. Being a new gay he was very excited to see another penis, like so overly excited that you want smack him with a wooden spoon and say, “that’s a bad kitty, my pot pie kitty.”

Lawyer never finished, but I felt I had to or it was never going to end. Once all was over and I was ushering him towards the door it was the first time I got to tell a guy to go home to his girlfriend. It was like a sick fairytale ending for me.