Life is filled with an unlimited number of choices. It seems with every decision we make, there are ten new choices available, and five that are lost. Which choices are good, which are bad? Is it worth regretting the ones we make, or the ones we lost out on?
In the last year things have changed, changed and changed again. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like myself regarding work. Yesterday my Disco Biscuits mentioned that I looked extra tired. I glanced in the mirror, of course, and there they were. I hadn’t seen them in some time. The black circles that accompany anyone
that works too much. They’re like little black hitchhikers hanging out under my eyes.
As of late, I’ve been sacrificing sleep in order to keep up with my growing workload. I can’t understand how, but I’m still behind on all the projects I need to get done. My hand is covered in a list of tasks, and my iCalendar keeps dinging to tell me something is late. Even now, I am sending reports to my boss and trying to finish up a grant proposal. I love the feeling of being needed. When it comes to work I want to be needed, I need to be needed. If only I could apply that to dating, but it’s like I told The Animator,
“What can a person do for me?”
I’ve made a load of bad decisions. In fact if we could stack all of my decisions on a scale, the bad side would greatly outweigh the good. I don’t regret most of the bad decisions I’ve made. I’ve learned a lot, had some fun, burnt my hands and had my ass kicked. Then there is that nagging in my head that tells me what if I had done certain things different, or what if I had made yes decisions where I said no?
I’m a what if’er. I’ve lost out on money because I hated a job, or a boss, or just quit. I’ve thrown away great relationships because I thought there was something better out there. I just wonder if I’m losing out on more than I bargained for? It’s no surprise that life has choices, but doesn’t it seem that not a day goes by without having to make fifty decisions? Even the simple things become exhausting, what to make for dinner, where to meet friends, what to do.
I do at times wonder what things would be like financially if I had made less drastic decisions. What if I hadn’t left the West Coast? What if I hadn’t dumped Jerome? That last one I used to think about a lot. We all have that one person that got away, well, I have the one I threw away. That’s the guy I should have stuck with, but I thought I knew better. It took two years of self-torment to finally let it go. We’re still friends but I no longer have that image of getting back together. Instead, I settle for the douche nozzles that come my way.
For now, I’m content where I am in life. I’m hoping things as far as work somehow gel and the schedule becomes less exhausting, or I’ll have to leave one of my jobs. I’m fortunate in the sense that I can laugh my way through the hard times, and play with my friends in the tired times. I have my roomie to keep me occupied and my posse that roams the city, willing to venture out at a moments notice.