Pee? Oui…

R.B. Winters
R.B. Winters
All, Bar, Birthday, Foxxy Business, Friends Leave a Comment

It’s been a long time since something was truly shocking. Slack-jawed, can’t speak, stare blankly ahead shocking. Part of that comes with age. The longer you live, the more weird shit you see. The rest comes from living in New York. Who hasn’t seen a homeless person using a phone booth as a toilet, watched someone throw belongings from a fourth story window, seen the who guy roller blades on the UES in a thong… the list goes on.

So, it did take me by even greater surprise when this new and odd shock came when visiting Austin, Texas. Now, Austin’s slogan is ‘keep Austin weird,’ but who would think they mean it so literally. Anyway, I was there with Business and his boyfriend to celebrate Business’ birthday. All pretty standard stuff. Tourism, drinks. Tourism, food, drinks. Tourism, drinks.

One night of our adventure placed us on a dance floor. That was my doing, I was a handful of cocktails in and ready to shake my booty. It was only 10 o’clock or so in the evening, and though the club was fairly empty, it proved to be the perfect place to dance…and drink.

As is always the case, me and my tiny bladder, were no match for the vodka and a bathroom trip was in order before long. I can’t recall the bar’s name, but they had a bathroom intended for large groups. Three walls or urinals in a horseshoe sort of shape were available upon entry. I made my way to the one of the urinals opposite the only other occupant. I’m not one for pee and chatter.

I was doing my business and the man with his back to me began to speak. Nothing of interest, drunk ramblings. I heard him flush and his voice came closer. So close in fact that he ended up right beside me. This isn’t the shocking part, it’s still to come.

An older gentleman who gave me several compliments to which I smiled, hoping he would walk away and let me finish. I was mid stream and there was no stopping or escaping. No. This man continued to chatter on. He complemented my junk, which I found incredibly uncomfortable. Who wants to talk about their penis in public? I was still trying to pretend he wasn’t glaring directly at my penis.

Maybe he didn’t want to leave me hanging in a land of semi-comfort. That’s when it happened. Horror of horrors, this stranger took a finger and placed it into my urine stream. I could feel my face flush, jaw drop and eyes pop, then it got even worse. Sticking said finger in his mouth, stranger says, “You taste good.”

He left. I finished. Shook off some of the shock and returned to my friends on the dance floor. With a watchful eye, I avoided pee-man the rest of the night. Austin truly is weird. Never again will I trust a nearby stranger at a urinal to not be a complete creeper. Safe peeing.