Shallow B

R.B. Winters
R.B. Winters
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There are certain things that we look for in other people. Especially when we’re looking for someone we want to play with. I started thinking about this a day or so ago when I was asked what my type was. I’m not entirely sure what my type is, considering I never seem to date the guys that fit my mold.
Teeth: The single most important feature, for me, has to be teeth. I want them straight above all else. When there’s a snaggel tooth jolting out, I cover my eyes in an effort to not lose one of them. Having been a victim of braces, I hate crooked teeth. When I talk to a guy with wacked out teeth it’s the only thing I think about. Fresh breath is something you would think people would be aware of, but there are a number of guys running around gagging us as they introduce themselves. Just throwing that out there.
Body: We all like a nice body. Don’t lie! I don’t think it’s sexy when you have one “big ab.” Don’t try and pass your beer belly off as something sexy. I shouldn’t be leaving impressions of myself in your flesh when I pull away. I much rather those impressions be left on your mind as you learn what a dating disaster I can be. Arms, chest, and belly are the key factors I’m looking for here. Personally I’m not looking for a big… you know. I leave that area to the dick-sucking whores that need them. I’m too lazy as it is to be getting down on my knees, not to mention my knees are as bad as an eighty-year-old woman’s.
Humor: When you tell a joke, especially an obvious one, the other person should understand. The worst thing is when you have to explain yourself over and over. That reminds me of The Photog. 90% of our text messages are him asking me what I’m talking about. He’s brunette, what is wrong with that boy? I like my serious with a side of funny, so I need someone that can keep up, otherwise I’ll drag you along in my comical wake.
Obedience: We all want to get our way, but I like a challenge. I want to get my way, but you can’t just give it to me immediately. Make me work for it a little; yes I know this is a game. I can’t keep myself from playing; I may as well know the rules.
Not to say I’m a picnic myself. I’m probably the most difficult person when it comes to dating. I’ve yet to understand why I force opposition with everything, but I can’t help myself. I take this beyond the ordinary game and turn it into an art. Everything you say and do I’ll turn against you. Not that it brings me much pleasure; I’ve just always been that way. Perhaps a deep-rooted problem I’m overlooking? I figure I’m set as far as looks. I may not be the hottest of the boys, but I’m vain enough that I won’t skip a day at the gym. 
I’ve been asked why I’m not dating anyone. My response: What I really want is me, and I’ve already got that. Plus, I already have a wife and several girlfriends, what more do I need?