1. When we walk into a bar and some nasty guy/girl comes over and starts hitting on me, I have the right to pull one of my friends to my side. I will then introduce them as my boy/girlfriend. They will be obligated to play along until said nasty person gives up and moves on.
2. Work comes before the boy/girlfriend. Friends come before the boy/girlfriend. I come before the boy/girlfriend. That means if you’re the boy/girlfriend you should have your own life and be comfortable being somewhere outside my top five most important things.
3. My phone is a bigger part of my life than you will ever be. It is not only a source of entertainment, but it manages all aspects of my life. Do not feel like I’m being rude when I text/email while we talk. I’m listening as much as I would if the phone were not present.
4. Alone time is very important to maintain a health single self. When I want to be left alone that means leave me alone. If you’re dating me: Go out with your friends. If you’re my friend: We should be at the bar being alone together with several rounds of beer.
5. Don’t read into it. Not everything I say means something. Sometimes people just talk and it’s purely to hear their own voice. Just because I called you a “dried up twat,” it doesn’t mean I don’t like you. Maybe I was joking, maybe I have GMS (gay man syndrome), or one of two million other reasons.
6. Don’t make me repeat myself. Listen the first time and we can avoid all kinds of angry feelings. Who wants to say the same thing two, three, four times? No one. Open your ears if you want to participate.
7. We had coffee. That does not mean that you are going to be getting any kind of penis action. In fact, it’s probably a safer bet to buy a bottle of lube and have it sitting at home on your bed side table waiting. I’m complicated but your hand is a sure thing.
8. Don’t call me babe. I’m not a pig. Even if we were dating this would not be acceptable, it’s even more of a turn off when we’re just hanging out. I’d rather be called by the wrong name than to be called babe.
9. Don’t play the text game. If I text you, text me back. I’ll return the favor. If you wait more than two hours to reply then you can forget replying altogether.
10. Don’t lie. If you’re going to lie then you better be able to remember it. I remember bullshit and it’s fun to call people out on it. It’s more interesting to go on a coffee date with someone that isn’t inflating their life with fantastic stories that never happened. It makes you a 10 on the douche nozzle scale.