State of Perpetual Fear

R.B. Winters
R.B. Winters
Death, West Leave a Comment

Dating DisasterThere are things we all fear, it’s part of our existence. The rational behind the things we fear is subjective and only relevant to the person. Coulrophobia (fear of clowns), Omphalophobia (fear of the navel), Nomophobia (fear of being without mobile phone coverage) and the list goes on forever.

The thing I’m most afraid of is the unknown, or even more specifically, the potentials that could come to be a reality. Let me explain. I’ve had a few dates with a guy I’ll refer to as West. A perfectly nice guy, fun to go out with, a little outside the gay norm, but overall a good catch. He is a relationship oriented person, so it would only make sense that his goal at the end of the day is a boyfriend.

When it comes to the question, “What are you looking for?” It’s clear he’s not asking if I’m interested in a generic hook-up, he’s asking if I’m looking for something long-term. This is one of those questions that I’m terrified and unsure of how to answer. The reason being, how do any of us know what we want?

Could someone better come along? Possibly. Could we live happily ever after? Possibly. Could we date for seven years and then one of us cheat resulting in a terrible break-up? Possibly. The options are endless, distracting and confusing.

With the numerous possibilities that could come fruition, and knowing that it doesn’t matter if the person is intrinsically good or bad, there is no safety net and it’s just a blind leap of faith. On the flip side, holding back and not making the decision at all appears to be the rational decision. If you abstain from answering the question and never define or decide what you are looking for, are you better off; safe? Or by not making the choice, do you end up on an endless path of ‘what-if’ questions that can never be answered because you never acted?

These are the questions rolling around in my mind at the breakfast table when this question is posed to me. And still, all these hours later, I cannot answer the question, because I have no answer.

So, I pose the question to all of the optimists, relationship oriented people and other risk takers: What are you looking for, why that, and how do you know?