It’s taken roughly a month, but I accidentally realized what I learned from my last relationship.
Obviously I was angry, that’s a given. Why was I so angry? That’s the important part. It’s not so much that I was dumped for someone else that bothered me. After all, we had broken up a handful of times before. I was mostly angry at myself. Let me take a few steps back.
Over lunch my friend revealed that in therapy she had a major break through. She realized that she attached herself to dysfunctional people, no wonder we’re friends. Theses people were projects she could work on to avoid dealing with her own problems. This was something everyone around her saw, but she was unable to admit. This got me to thinking. What obvious issues do I overlook that everyone else is seeing? I asked a friend just that. He responded by asking why I was so persistent with relationships when I don’t believe in them.
I’ve always believed that it was pointless to be in a relationship. You always end up being left or leaving. Why put yourself through the heartache? I have walls upon walls built up to keep people out. I swore after my first love that I would never let myself get hurt like that again. However, I do see my pattern of relationships. For example, this last go around, I tied myself to a man that was terrified of commitment and only interested in satisfying his own needs. In my head, that equaled a challenge. Not only did I get this man to date me, but he even said he loved me.
Enter angry me. Actually, hold the angry for a minute. Seven days before I was dumped I received a text message: “You’re my everything.” That one message made me happier than I’ve felt in a long time. Okay, let angry in. Obviously I was a fool. I had allowed myself to love and believe all the things this guy was saying. I was his everything because he was drunk. He only “loved” me because I was there to temporarily fill a void. The real reason that I was angry was because I had allowed myself to believe him. I so desperately wanted to have an actual relationship that I was willing to overlook all of the bad. I let go of the time he took his first I love you back. I tried to ignore how interested he was in every guy that wasn’t me. I even laughed my way around his constant pushing of a threesome.
Through the disaster the last relationship was, I did learn a lesson. I realized that maybe my walls aren’t as thick as I thought. There may even be a small window where people can come to visit. That right there is what was worth all the heartache to learn. I’ve always thought that I was too cold inside to actually feel for another person, but I discovered I was wrong. Even though I loved the wrong person, now I know I have the ability.